Beauty and the ‘Beast’

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*Puts on a yellow dress and puffs my cheeks with pink blush* How do I look? Could I pass as a romantically whimsical village girl whose naivety and unyielding passion for the world makes everybody fall in love with me? Do small chipped tea cups whirl around me while cute and puffy foot stools dash around like an eager pup looking for me to play…? If only these were the similarities I found myself pondering this morning at the cinema…

Sadly, my adult self saw only the stark realisation of relating more to the beast locked away in the forbidden, long-lost castle. Alone, scared and holding a secret that nobody could fully understand.

How did I end up here? Wasn’t I always the one that everybody loved and adored? Wasn’t I eccentric and fearless enough to think that I could one day conquer the world? Somewhere along the way, without realising (or maybe too scared of the unknown to notice) I became separated from the world. Too scared to even try and connect because of the overwhelming dread that now hung over my head (cue lightning bolts and thunder…). Like the beast from the movie, I have become trapped in my own mind and I need to seek inner peace before all the enchanted objects become cold and lifeless once more… (and who could handle the thought of that fate! Think of the pottery children!)

I need Celine Dion to sing the theme song to my life, and I need the snow to lift from my castle and my beast to be tamed through love. I CAN look dashing in a dinner suit and I can win the heart of the most interesting person I know (who can also sing cutely while buying loaves of fresh bread/feeding chickens)ME.

 

@anxiety learning\anxiety says hola

ABart1Blog 2. Where to begin today? I feel there are heaps of places to start and I feel like most of the beginnings could make somewhat sense, but I grapple with a suitable starting point to properly connect all the dots together to make you (and also myself!) understand… I feel like I am a few inches short of being able to grab a passing dandelion that is floating past in the breeze. (The dandelion is my thoughts – and I am too much of a small ball to reach – in case that was confusing? Yeah I like this beginning…)

My beginning shall be a non-linear interjection of today’s events as they seem to encapsulate my time so far with my good ol’ buddy – anxiety. I shall name it anxy (no capital letter) as I think it does not deserve such attention (however maybe an invite to your cousin’s wedding as your PLUS 1 because no doubt they gonna be a-coming. And dress inappropriately).

Important point about me – I’m a few months away from graduating nursing school. Yep. By next year I am going to be a qualified, fully-functioning nurse responsible for looking after people’s lives, making sure they are cared for properly and making sure they are comfy. Wow what a responsibility! Wow so exciting to care for people, right? I’ve always known I am a caring person and nursing seems like a suitable career to pursue (and I do look exceptionally cute in a nurse outfit :D) but since being introduced to my annoying-friend-who-only-leaves-when-it’s-their-turn-to-buy-a-round-of-drinks *anxy*… I question if I am able to properly nurse somebody. Wow I felt my tummy drop as I typed that. It’s hard to admit what scares us the most. It seems easier to pack an overnight bag (and spare undies) and just run away.

Run where though? Last time I checked it’s pretty hard to run away from your own mind (seeing as how its relaxing in a cosy bath inside your head – no doubt sipping on some expensive Merlot that you had been saving for a special occasion), so guess what? I’m staying. I’d like to say I can hear a crowd applaud, but I know you reading this know that is the only option anyway *slow clap myself anyway for effect*.

Class felt like I was sitting in an old theatre today, and centrestage was anxy – not particularly interesting to watch AND taking up way too much time (much like many contestants on talent shows), and they would just not leave. Class subject today – ANXIETY. Would you believe it? My heart was pounding and I felt woozy like I was going to collapse. I threw banana peels, rubbish (and even a shoe) at the stage but it was not leaving. I have looked at so many articles and information about anxiety, but today was different. How can I care for someone with anxiety while I am dealing with it too?? I felt like I was up on the stage with anxy and everyone was looking at me and snapchatting my picture in a ‘dog wearing glasses’ filter… why do I feel like I am in the spotlight too and that people are going to judge me? A soon-to-be nurse with anxiety (albeit a particularly cute-looking one in their scrubs. Side note: own a pink stethoscope. REPEAT a pink stethoscope. Get the picture?).

But the reality is that to shun anxy away behind the curtain is to simply breathe. Not in a bad-breath-type-way that makes it want to get a mint for you, but in a ‘I’VE GOT THIS. JUST BREATHE. THIS WILL PASS’ type way. There is nothing wrong with us. We need to reassure ourselves that EVERYBODY has anxiety at some point in their lives and that this is a common problem that people deal with everyday.

Imagine your dog’s 5th birthday party (yep I said dog… What? My pooch looks fab in his party hat > pic coming soon) and you invited 5 of your friends (or 5 of your furbaby’s doggie friends and they each brought 1 owner) … there is a good chance that 1 of those people have experienced an anxiety disorder this year (in this case it would be me! Wow I should consider detective work I think?). That’s alot of people going through what you are feeling right now. What I am feeling right now. We can do this. WE CAN DO THIS.

 

you… are not an alone ball

Finally I am going to write my first blog! I have run out of things to do to avoid sitting down to put down my thoughts… washing the dishes, freeing lint balls from my socks and making my dog wear different jackets for cute photos. I need to write. I need to do it now and I hope that you have found this blog when you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or scared and looking for somewhere to turn. I can’t pretend to know who you are (although I know you must be interesting if you searched for ball…) but I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for the past few months, and I have not known why I am feeling like this or where to find stuff on the net without making myself more anxious about coming across full-on medical information… ugh Dr Google!

I know how it feels to be caught like a small squishy hamster going around and around on a wheel and not knowing where to even start to even work out why these feelings are happening! Why me? Why US? These feelings can be so overwhelming and I’ve been able to get my hamster-ball self off the wheel (well sort of rolled out from exhaustion… but still!) and I’m trying to make my inner ball stronger and able to deal with these feelings when they grab hold. I know its not going to be easy and I know there is going to be days that are harder than others, but I know I CAN manage anxiety. I know that you can develop ways to give your mind a holiday from itself (maybe not pina-colada-in-a-coconut-type-holiday from the start) BUT you can take control of your anxiety. I am here and going through the same things as you and I want to share my thoughts and ramblings (and maybe some cute photos of my ‘el poocho’ in the latest fashion) with you.. We are not alone and we can do this!